So, in May of 2012, I quit my Information Technology job of almost 16 years. This is something I had wanted to do for most of my career there as I was working for a company that I never really felt comfortable at. For all the vitriol I've spewed over the years about my employer, I'm going to leave it at that, since I must accept my share of the blame. i.e. I was at bad for that company as it was for me. In the last five or 6 years of my time there, I was increasingly miserable, hating every day that I worked there and beginning to hate myself for feeling stuck there and feeling that I had let myself down for ever accepting the job. I had lost a lot of perspective no longer could see how much good being there had done for me and my family. Whatever their faults, my company had taken really good care of us and provided me a fairly substantial income. However, a day came where I was completely filled with despair at the thought of working there any longer so I knew it was time to go. I turned in my two weeks, said my goodbyes, and started thinking about what I was going to do next.
And that was the problem. I really had no idea what I was going to do next. My original plan was to take a couple of weeks off and start looking for a new job. 8 weeks later and I had made no strides in securing another position. I was enjoying my time off, and resistant to seeing it ended, but not really sure why. For one thing, the feelings of self loathing I thought most associated with my former job (to be honest, I've carried some amount of self loathing with me my entire life, but I had come to believe the stronger feelings were tied to my former employer) were still present. I was still letting myself down as well as letting down Tracy and the kids. I mean, it's not like we could afford for me to retire and subsist entirely on income Tracy was making. Money we had from my former job was running out so my "retirement" had a very short shelf life attached to it. Reluctantly, I updated my resume and started seeing what I could forward to. As offers began to come in, I picture started forming that helped describe my reluctance to find a new job: as an IT worker, I had failed to secure any expertise in any one technology and the marketplace was no longer interested (if it ever was) in "jack-of-all-trades" employees like me. Ok then, NOW what was I going to do. I left a well paying job I hated without the skills to obtain a new one. This was not necessarily true, as there are ways I could have parlayed my experience into another position, but these were the thought processes that I was having at the time that helped nudge me into the next realization about myself.
More time passed as offers came into my email inbox that I either discarded immediately, or occasionally pursued only to have them go nowhere. i.e. no recruiter ever contacted me again about any position once they talked with me and discovered my lack of expertise. I began to see myself as unemployable and started preparing myself for the eventuality of trying to get my old back. During this time, summer had slipped away and we were now heading into fall. I knew that I had to get a job within the next few months or we were going to be in serious trouble, yet I still was making no move to do so. I had to start talking with Tracy about this before I destroyed our lives, and that's when I started understanding what the real problem was and what I really wanted to do. I wasn't an unemployable, ex-IT worker; I was someone who never wanted to work in IT again and not sure I ever did. IT is something I fell into, during my career, not something I chose and, while it had brought me some great satisfaction, I couldn't bear the thought of continuing that route.
What I started understanding about myself is that, I wasn't going to be content just finding another job, I wanted to find my passion, find what I want to do with my life. What I wanted was to go back to school. I had wasted my time in college, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life then, and ever since the choices I had made were about securing jobs and having a safe income. I was settling, you see, choosing the safe route in life not having dreams and definitely no chasing them. I felt it was the only way. I blew my chance at college so this was all I could hope for. Talking with Tracy opened my eyes and, honestly, I really should've have considered this more seriously since I'd helped her get through college within the last 4-5 years. Tracy knew what it was I wanted and was waiting for me to come to the same conclusion. Internally, I just couldn't see it. "I'm 49", I'd tell myself, "I cant possibly hope to go to college at this point in my life, I'm too old". However, I finally came to the realization that I continue the same way I had been going, or I could try and make the rest of my life more fulfilling than it had been to date. I could continue playing it safe or, for the first time in more than two decades, I could take a risk and go for something better.
So, that's what we're going to do. I've signed up for classes at our local community college and will be starting classes the 14th of January. "Wait!", you might ask, "what about the money that's running out?". Well, once you're willing to truly consider options for your life that you thought were impossible, suddenly you start seeing how you can actually accomplish them. Without going into detail, Tracy and I have came up with a plan that will at least get us started on this journey. From there, we'll just have to see and trust that our needs will be met. It's scary, sure, but I'm excited for the first time in many, many years. You might also be wondering what degree I'm pursuing but it's not something I really want to discuss just yet as I don't want to just lock myself into one course. If I'm going to find my passion, I'm going to do this right and leave myself open to possibilities I haven't considered yet. However, a passion is certainly building in my life right now and is what I'll be exploring first. To those that know me, this may be apparent now, and if not, should be apparent to all in the days, weeks, months, years ahead. To our Christian brothers and sisters, I ask that you pray for us as I feel your prayers will be sorely needed on this journey. To others, I just ask that you keep us in your thoughts and send any "Well Wishes" our way.
To those who've made it this far, I appreciate you slogging through this long read. Trying to simply state our goals didn't seem appropriate, as I have to assume that my decision to quit my job was frightening to those that care about us. I felt that I owed you this explanation so that you would not think that we were making a trivial decision. I hope that all of you are as excited about this new step in our lives as Tracy and I are.
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